Here are some examples of how I revise, taken from The Moonlight Mistress.
Original:
Men stood and read the papers under streetlights and in the street itself, blocking wagons whose drivers cursed. Some men cheered, and some shouted angrily. Singing and pipe smoke billowed from the open door of a beer garden; rats skittered in the garbage in the alley next door.
Edited:
Men stood and read the papers under streetlights and in the street itself, arguing vociferously, blocking wagons whose drivers cursed. Singing and pipe smoke, drunken cheers and angry shouts billowed from the open door of a beer garden.
[Rats seemed out of place; she wouldn’t be peering that closely into the alley, given how she feels. Folded a boring sentence into other sentences, created some parallel structure.]
Original:
“Run!” he said, so she grabbed her bag and did so, hearing the sounds of a scuffle behind her through the pounding in her ears.
Edited:
“Run!” he said, so she grabbed her bag, her heart pounding, hearing the scuffling behind her.
[Cut dependent clauses; still a bit confusing, but better]
Original:”There aren’t so many places that will hire a woman as a chemist,” Lucilla said, sharply. “Perhaps you haven’t noticed.”
Edited:
“There aren’t so many places that will hire a woman chemist,” Lucilla said, sharply. “Perhaps you haven’t noticed, France being full of them. Or no, I’m sorry–those women are cooks, aren’t they?”
[added more anger, to more realistically provoke other person to shut up]
